that's a shame

I used to think one must have done something shameful to feel shame, but I now see it is far more complicated than that.

I had harboured a lot of shame throughout my early life and early adulthood, and I used to wonder where it came from. Did I do something mortally wrong? Why did I always feel as if I was perpetually inadequate or always doing something "wrong"?

But then I realised that shame doesn't necessarily mean you've done something blameworthy. Shame can emerge (and bury itself within you) for several reasons: you may feel too vulnerable, or you may have failed to meet an expectation (either your own or someone else's), or perhaps you behaved in a way that feels different from what you think is acceptable, or you may have internalised shame from your childhood (that is a whole other can of worms).

Shame doesn't necessarily equate to "wrong", but is merely a signal that requires our inspection and understanding. Perhaps the expectations placed upon you are unjustified, or perhaps someone criticised you unjustly, or perhaps you felt too exposed, or perhaps you genuinely did something you felt was "wrong". It is important to never assume you are blameworthy if you feel shame, but to thoroughly inspect the situation that caused shame to arise and consider why you are feeling that way.

There is also a tipping point when it comes to the amount of shame a person can bear before they fall into the dreaded shame spiral: feeling ashamed for feeling ashamed, and creating layers upon layers of unfettered shame that have little connection to any real source. This is a dangerous point to let yourself get to. You must take action with your shame and never let it build to this critical threshold. Once you're in that shame spiral, it's a son of a bitch to pull yourself out again.

The trick with shame is to never let it victimise you. You must inspect every sign of shame and do one of two things:

• If its source is unreasonable or unsubstantiated (such as not meeting someone's unfair expectations, or having false blame projected upon you, or you are just being ridiculously self-critical), reject it, set some boundaries, and let it go.
• If its source is reasonable or substantiated (as in you genuinely believe you did something wrong or egodystonic), accept it, learn from it, change your behaviour or situation, and let it go.

You were never meant to hold onto shame. Holding onto shame is harmful. Burying shame when it bubbles up is worse. Shame is to be learned from and holding onto it serves no one. It makes you weak, more vulnerable, less effective, and rids you of the opportunity to become a better person who understands themselves and others better.

I want to always recognise shame and listen to it, but never let it consume me. If everyone learned how to do this effectively, the world would be a much nicer place.